Music Lights & Never Afters Read online

  Music Lights & Never Afters

  C.L. Matthews

  Published by C.L. Matthews, 2022.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Music Lights & Never Afters

  Music | Lights | & Never | Afters

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  Chapter Sixty

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  Also By C.L. Matthews

  © 2022 C.L. Matthews

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be reproduced, copied or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without written expressed permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is purely coincidental.

  Cover Design: Opulent Swag and Designs

  Editors: Rumi Khan and Karen Washo

  Proofreader: Nicki SG

  The use of actors, artists, movies, TV shows, and song titles/lyrics throughout this book are done so for storytelling purposes and should in no way be seen as advertisement. Trademark names are used in an editorial fashion with no intention of infringement of the respective owner’s trademark.

  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it to the seller and please purchase your own copy.

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior express, written consent of the author

  Music

  Lights

  & Never

  Afters

  I won’t be a rock star,

  I’ll be a legend.

  - Freddy Mercury

  Drugs not hugs.

  - C.M. Radcliff

  They say not to fear touch,

  they must not know how cruel it can be.

  - Madden Black

  This book is dedicated to my razor blades,

  for always being here for me when the world wasn’t.

  Playlist

  10 for 10 – Magnolia Park

  Let Me Be Sad – I Prevail

  Rainy Day – Ice Nine Kills

  The Antidote – Simple Plan

  Daddy Issues (Remix) – The Neighbourhood & Syd

  The Downfall of Us All – A Day to Remember

  A Grave Mistake – Ice Nine Kills

  Cinema (Skrillex Remix) – Benny Benassi, Gary Go, Skrillex

  Better Days – Dermot Kennedy

  Heat Waves – Glass Animals

  Hot Demon Bitches Near U – Corpse & Night Lovell

  Another Life – Motionless in White

  Drifting – NF

  Lost – NF & Hopsin

  Strange Love – Halsey

  Pray – Jxdn

  Feel Nothing – The Plot in You

  Graveyard – Halsey

  Quick Musical Doodles – Two Feet

  Bad at Love – Halsey

  Dim – SYML

  All I Want – A Day to Remember

  Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape – Underoath

  One Day the Only Butterflies Left Will Be in Your Chest as You March Towards Your Death – Bring Me the Horizon & Amy Lee

  You Had Me @ Hello – A Day After Tomorrow

  Play Date – Melanie Martinez

  Scars – I Prevail

  You Stay by the Sea – Axel Flóvent

  Letters to a Dead Friend – The Plot in You

  Thank God It’s Friday – Ice Nine Kills

  Hallelujah – Underoath

  1x1 – Bring Me the Horizon

  I'm Made of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of? – A Day to Remember

  Forgive and Forget – A Day to Remember

  Another Song About the Weekend – A Day to Remember

  I Feel Like I’m Drowning – Two Feet

  All Mine – Plaza

  Not Just Breathing – The Plot in You

  Soap – Melanie Martinez

  MakeDamnSure – Taking Back Sunday

  Stabbing in the Dark – Ice Nine Kills

  Welcome to Horrorwood – Ice Nine Kills

  A Part of Me – Neck Deep & Laura Whiteside

  B.E.D. – Jacquees

  Every Time You Leave – I Prevail

  One Last Time – The Plot in You

  Enemy – The Plot in You

  Disposable Fix – The Plot in You

  Too Heavy – The Plot in You

  Dear Old Friend – The Plot in You

  A Song About Myself – The Plot in You

  Forgive Me – The Plot in You

  Repay – The Plot in You

  Feel Something – Illenium, Excision, I Prevail

  My Heart I Surrender – I Prevail

  We Will Meet Once Again – Josh Groban & Andrea Bocelli

  All I Ask of You – Josh Groban & Kelly Clarkson

  Ven a Mi – Andrea Bocelli & Matteo Bocelli

  Bésame Mucho – Andrea Bocelli

  Perfect Symphony – Ed Sheeran & Andrea Bocelli

  E Più Ti Penso – Andrea Bocelli & Ariana Grande

  The Prayer – Andrea Bocelli & Celine Dion

&nbsp
; You’ll Never Walk Alone – Andrea Bocelli & Celine Dion

  If Only – Andrea Bocelli & Dua Lipa

  I am Not a Woman, I’m a God – Halsey

  Trigger Warnings

  Self-harm, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, depression, anxiety, haphephobia, pseudo-incest, mild-cheating (not between the main characters), gaslighting, and isolation.

  There are sexual situations with honorifics, sadism, masochism, humiliation, knife play, breeding fetishization, exhibitionism, gagging, drool play, blood play, edging, edge play, orgasm control/denial, belonephilia, intercrural sex, hematolagnia, voyeurism, degradation, wax play, anal play, rimming, pegging, and random object usage.

  If you’re feeling suicidal or like you need to self-harm, there are places to help.

  For self-harm crisis hotline: Text HOME to 741741

  For the suicide crisis hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255

  Chapter One

  10 for 10 – Magnolia Park

  Madden

  Darkness overcoming the light was no longer a reach. Instead, it became the goal. I festered in a blanket of despair nine out of twelve months of a year, darkness was bound to be what I became. Light came in bouts, streaming in only when giving up felt like my only choice. What mayhem could I cause this time?

  Being halfway through my senior year and fucking up seemed right on par with my usual faults. It didn’t help that I’d been bursting at the seams to beat someone’s flesh in.

  Whenever my parents came home from tour, it made me want to be better.

  Even if it was only temporary.

  “Again?” Mom asked the morning following my expulsion, my fists hurt from the bone I’d beaten them into. Purple bruises encompassed the majority of my skin, the achiness I felt didn’t touch the anger that still festered from what I witnessed.

  Mom wasn’t home to chastise me last night, so we were finally having a conversation about yesterday. She didn’t push for an explanation, instead, she questioned nonchalantly. Like usual, missing words and arguments. How did a kid grow or change without someone telling him what he did was wrong?

  “What’s that?” I played coy, knowing exactly what she referenced. She wanted to know what the fuck I did this time to get expelled. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t appreciate the answer. Even while being valid, any type of attention on me worried her.

  Styled in curly rivulets, her black hair looked professional but unapologetically untamed like she enjoyed life. She wore her signature pantsuit, something she didn’t appreciate, but being the manager of her own husband’s label made her regularly do things she didn’t enjoy.

  Like abandoning her child to fend for himself.

  Dad had a penchant for drugs, sex, and fangirls. Mom had to step in when it became too much. She was a babysitter and roadie all in one nowadays. I never understood their love for each other, but she didn’t ever give him up.

  Mom grabbed a mug out of our cabinet, brewing herself a cup of coffee. Unlike most, she had this insane machine that made lattes. It felt unnecessary for something as simple as coffee.

  Coffee was meant to be mediocre, plain black, with no sugar and a pinch of salt. Not for many, but I appreciated the simplicity of life’s offerings.

  Starting up the machine, she put in her fancy settings, waiting as it brewed her way-too-intricate drink. She hummed along with the breadth of space between us. Mom might have been in love with a rock star, but she definitely was in her element at home—with me.

  I wanted to ignore her previous question and pretend I didn’t fuck up once again. It sucked being the black sheep of my siblingless family. While my father constantly screwed up, making Mom’s job harder, I was the outcast.

  She picked up the newspaper, reading the headlines, not paying me any mind. Who did that anymore? Digital news seemed to be the norm, but she and Dad seemed to subscribe to the paper anyway.

  Rubbing my head with my chipped black painted nails, she watched me over her paper. We both tended to hide behind objects, not wanting confrontation and awkward situations. Maybe not really knowing each other, even while being mom and son, created a sense of shyness between us. Life was strange in that way. You could know someone your entire life and not really know them.

  “This is the second time they expelled you from a high school, Toland. Last time, you got kicked out of Arcadia Crest—that school was nearly impossible to get you into in the first place. We still had to pay for the entire year and reparations for what you did. Hell, we moved because no one would take you after that stunt you pulled. What are we supposed to do at this point? You knew we were leaving on tour, and you got expelled. Again.”

  Yet, Dad’s not even here.

  Still.

  He was more married to his work than his own wife. Mom always wanted to raise a better son, but when I defended girls being attacked or the losers—like me—who were belittled, she reprimanded me. Anything that could be perceived as bad by the public and could possibly make me visible to Dad’s fan base always made Mom uncomfortable. I grumbled silently in response.

  No matter how far I went, the world didn’t know who Madden Black was.

  “It’s no big deal, Mom. No one knows I exist.” She scoffed, watching me like a hawk.

  “What's that?” Mom probed knowingly, repeating my coquettish response from earlier.

  My anger rose, but I swallowed down the annoyance built on years of neglect as it tried overwhelming me. If they were around more, if people didn’t do stupid shit, if I didn’t get triggered at the simplest things... maybe life would’ve been different. Yet, here we were at an impasse. A place where there was no way to go.

  “People shouldn't be dicks,” I finally responded with ease, unfelt. She smacked the back of my head with the newspaper, not to inflict pain but rather out of exasperation.

  We had an agreement. I could swear as long as she couldn’t hear it. On the other hand, Dad congratulated my vocabulary. At least, when he decided to be present.

  “Watch your mouth, Toland,” she chirped, adjusting her glasses. Her faux disappointment reminded me how she used to be here a lot more to actually reprimand me.

  “You don't have to end every sentence with my name, Mom.”

  A chuckle escaped her as she walked into the kitchen. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m well aware. It’s simply by habit at this point.”

  “I always think I'm in trouble when you use my name.” Following her to the table, the melodic sound of her chuckle brought me lightness. She tossed me a banana and water, always insisting dehydration needed to be taken seriously.

  “In this case, you are very much in trouble,” she clarified, raising a delicate brow at me.

  The coffee, as soon as she finished brewing it, filled my nose. The sweet and unique scent of it always mesmerized me. Rich and heady, it calmed me. Routines brought my mind silence; this was ours.

  Mom poured in her foam after mixing, and we both sat, waiting as the whistle and hum of the machine filled the silent space. After she made hers, she always brewed a French roast for me. No cream, no sugar.

  “I want you to go to your aunt's house for the remainder of your senior year and stay there until we get back.”

  I tasted the words on my mouth. An argument arose in me automatically, but I let it settle. It was a default response, not an actual one I'd felt. Pawning me off happened too often. Wanting her to be a parent made me dispute her decisions. Yet, Andy had always been my favorite person. Squabbling over being around her seemed redundant and pointless. At least she let me drink and smoke weed. Hell, she usually joined me.

  Warmth slid beneath my skin, thinking of her. We had an odd relationship. Not quite familial, and a lot more intimate than it should be. Thinking of her, after what happened last visit... goosebumps rose and scattered across my arms.

  Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

  “Okay,” I answered, acting a little put out so she wouldn't question my approval. Andy lived two states over, it was a great scenery change, and seeing her would be
the highlight of my year. With my senior year practically over since they forced me to graduate early, and already being eighteen, it felt more of a vacation than a punishment. While you couldn’t graduate if you were expelled, I had all the required credits, and they let me graduate early. Greasing palms worked, they paid the principal to make it happen.

  Not sure how much that cost them, but they wanted me to look like a good kid wanting to excel in life.

  “What, no argument?” she questioned, eyebrow hiked up, doubt trickling across her features. Did she honestly think it was such a burden? Andy was a fucking dream. She brought me happiness. The way we were so in sync helped too. Being around her always turned out heated in a way it shouldn’t. She was my aunt, yet boundaries crossed in my mind, burning the wires with frissons of unease. Well, adopted aunt, but that was basically the same thing.

  Andy and I were so close in age, and despite her age, she was the furthest thing from an adult. When I used to hang out with her when she’d first moved to Brightmore, it’d been life-changing. We were teenagers. She and I got into so much trouble, sneaking into rich resorts, going to the beach, and partying when we should've been home.

  There were a lot of things we shouldn't have done, but much like me, her being the authority figure was laughable. My parents weren’t aware of our affinity for bad decisions, and Andy didn’t snitch. We were partners in crime.

  Mom and Dad traveled a lot. He always went worldwide with every album release, doing long tours, and she followed him.

  I spent most of my childhood with Andy, my godparents, and my grandparents. Until my grandparents died and Dad fucked my godmother, of course. After that, Andy became my safe haven.

  It sucked being an only child to a famous musician. To the world, he was Dox Reaver, half of Windowless Skies; to me, he was barely Dad. Since he and Mom respected my desire for having an everyday life, they didn’t force me into the spotlight. The last time it happened, I was about twelve, singing with Dad on stage. After that, Madden Black became the only reality for me.

  My entire existence thus far, the world knew me as Madden Black, not Toland Reaver, Dox Reaver’s kid. The public knew Dad had a kid. But since he hid me, they had no other pictures of me other than from when I was younger.